Nightlight Revelations

“The truth of my existence tugs at my veins… and even I am surprised at the hand She has had in my making. In retrospect, so many things fall into place now that never did before. So many of the seemingly unentangled choices I have made, demands I put upon myself, in the full context of my being, only now begin to make sense.

M’Lady Night, She who wears the Stars in Her hair, The dangerous, deadly, hidden, beautiful mystery of every Desert Night… She who claimed me as Daughter before my existence ever stitched into being.

As dusk starts falling every day, I can literally feel my veins itch with Her. At night, under the desert stars, She fills me to the point of wanting to break. She is literally embedded within me, and so I carry M’Lady Night with me even in the light day. Her voice whispers with every shadow, her children carry out Her unfathomable will at every turn, and I stand anchored, one foot in the World of What is Not, the other in What She will make Be.

None of it works, unless all of it works together… My use as a doorway to Her only makes since when I am anchored within My Desert. For I am it’s child as well, forged under the heat of it’s imminent Sun, my blood-splattered legacy soaked up within the sand and the thorns that I have always loved.

The suddenness of this revelation is going to, again, remake me. Only this time, I know I will survive, and come out of the other side intact… More intact than I have ever been.”

~A~

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Of things hidden within my soul

Enchanted
Daylight falls to dusk
Shadows and beauty surround me
Watch everything turning to dust

Seductive Death
He stands at my back
Unwilling to yet take his hand
He awaits in the inky and black

My wings unfurl
Soaking up the power of night
Might as well be a goddess
As I burn in the blue of twilight

This power spinning
My will in this unlighted place
My lover is smiling beside me
Evil written all over his face

One breath
And my magic comes alive
Shattered and remade
Everything that you were becomes mine

This is me
With the mask of humanity gone
Eternal, infernal, and beauty
Wrapped up in the silk of His song

 

~A~

Henosis is a dangerous pursuit

…one that leaves your skin empty of glory and good for a while.

But as I sit here, with my pain and my flesh angry from bleeding, the nature of the gift that is my humanity sits closer to the surface than is usual. An introspective pain all its own, made brighter by having Her Shadow permeate me with purpose just hours past.

… And so I sit, eye to eye with the past ghosts of myself, knowing that this pain too will pass into nothing.

Tristis Amans

I can feel you…
 
So close…
 
My fingertips brushing against the essence of what most people fear.
 
Your call growing closer with the tick of every hour.
 
My resolve wavering as it always does when faced with your silky touch.
 
Nihil Metu Mortis… Today as every other day ❤

Under Pressure

“Pressure, pushing down on me

Pressing down on you, no man ask for

Under pressure that burns a building down”

– Queen and David Bowie, 1981

 

Anyone who has ever worked for a Deity will have a story about how deities have a way of seeping into our lives and enacting changes. Many times these changes are mutual agreements and arrangements, contracts of conduct us devotes sign off on willingly. I am a firm believer that actual contact with any of the Divine currents has a lasting effect upon those humans touched, and that the truth of those contacts are seen in the transformations unleashed within the person by that Divine spark.

This idea of transformation as a mutual endeavor looks very pretty on paper…Too pretty, actually, when you get right down to it. And again, anyone who has dealt with a Deity will have other stories to tell as well. Stories about when a Deity decided to throw that person into a pressure cooker just to see what might develop.

Pressure cookers? Not really fun places to be. Crisis and uproar, physical pain, relationship breakdowns and breakups, near-death experiences, having to re-live a personal shame for the whole world to see… The list of outside pressures that Gods can use to enact change within us (or just test our resolve) is nearly limitless. If you choose to work with Deities of the Infernal variety, you had better be ready to have your world shattered every couple of years as they blow stuff up around you for reasons you will not fully understand at the time.

I could go into numerous personal anecdotes right now, but will refrain for the time being. What is more important than my personal “What” is the intriguing questions as to “Why?” Most often for myself, that question leads me into places that most sane people just steer clear of or ignore. Places within my inner landscape that hide a treasure trove of both personal horrors and well-hidden strength. Places I would have never discovered if I had not been poked by these outside events to do so. And, I’m fairly certain that that is the key.

I have told many people over the years that a frictionless environment is a recipe for mediocrity. Untested ideas, ideologies, people, and philosophies are all good starting points, but that is ALL they are. It is through testing, research, and real-life trials that these things are honed, refined, and turned into things of worth. Some of the things in this life that have broken me down to my lowest are also the exact things that have made me stronger than anyone (including myself) ever thought I could become.

The best example I have of this happened in the very early spring of 2012, when a specialist had to do an emergency surgery that became the equivalent of yanking half of my facial structure out. While the surgery saved my life, the next year became a testing ground not only for my own personal ideas of identity but for just how dedicated I would remain to my Gods while everything I was supposed to be was crashing and burning under the weight of a year of sickness.

And, while it’s nice to give face time to those transformations that are mutual and agreed upon, I have to say that those times when I was thrown into the pot with pain, misery, and a helping of onions taught me far more important lessons then I could have learned the easy way. Even recently, while having old shames made very public and many a band-aid ripped off old wounds, I saw that M’Lady Night had not only a hand in it, but that She had a reason or five to do so. Was it an uncomfortable experience? Most certainly. But it also served as a platform for growth… growth that I would have hidden from forever if I would have had my own way.

And if anyone takes ANYTHING away from what my experiences with the Gods have been, I would have it be this: Spiritual growth will NOT always be under controlled circumstances. The Gods have agendas for those of us with ears to listen to them, and sometimes, the only thing that will make our ears ready for that listening is The Pressure Cooker.

Have your onions ready.